I Wanna Pee On You….

That’s right. I said it.

I want to pee on you.

It’s all I can think about when I hear this song by Flo-Rida & Ne-yo: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BRWkTpSveH8

I had to really listen hard when I first heard the chorus and I still wondered out loud, “Did he just say he wanted to pee on me?”

I backed it up a few times and once I was sure of what he was saying, a second thought came to me. “Is he serious??”

“i want to be on you”

Really?

Really?

Even IF you were a decent looking guy who could sing and had lots of money, what would happen if you actually said this to a woman?

Would she respond with, “Absolutely, you are obviously the man of my dreams.  In fact, let’s do this right here?”

I think not.

At least when Ron Burgundy said it in Anchorman, you knew it wasn’t serious.  In fact it was so down right ridiculous that it was funny.

Fast forward 5 years and now we are supposed to take 2 guys singing “I wanna be on you” as serious?

On the unintentional comedy scale, this ranks up there.

Someone came up with this video that combines the 2 scenarios. You can skip to 1:32 to see the Ron Burgundy request: www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2BZXyyCqYc

If you read this and you are out this weekend please do me the service of testing it out.

I would love to hear the results.

I need to pee.

In the washroom though.

I’m out! Have a great weekend everyone!

Drive Me To Ball Sack

I am happy to have woken up from my writing slumber.  Sometimes you need to get things off your chest ya know?

Happy reading and feel free to leave me a comment.

Big Meat Night

What do you think this event was about based on the name?  Were you intrigued? Did you giggle like a school girl when you first read it? (I did).

Gay Porn Event? Sausage Fest (literally)? All Male Review Night?

I will end the suspense and here is the event description:

Join Chef Neil Wyles, with special guest … best selling cookbook author, international barbecue champion, and southern-style barbecue evangelist “Rockin” Ronnie Shewchuk with Don Hardy playing the blues for a night of BBQ, music and great people along with local boys Rick and Barry’s R&B beers.

Creative name for a great event, but since I have the mind of a teenager and I thought it was funny  I had to share it with you.

Some initial thoughts after living in Calgary for 8 months:

In Vancouver you can’t always tell who the gangsters are. In Calgary it’s relatively obvious. Watch for the Vietnamese guy with his schoolgirl anime porn girlfriend driving around in a BMW with flashy ass rims. Everyone and their mom has a BWM in Vancouver, not so much here.  Not to mention there aren’t enough Asian people here to blend in with, so the gangsters stick out like a sore thumb.

A hamlet called Balzac.  No matter how much they want to pronounce it bawl-zak let’s be honest here. The name of your city is Ball Sack. Accept it, embrace it. Make it part of the local charm and tourism of the city. T-shirt and post card ideas abound.

If you ever wanted to experience what it would be like for every car on the street to drive in cruise control with their speed all set the same then you should definitely make a point to come and drive in Calgary during rush hour.  In Vancouver there isn’t much of a need to check your blind spots before switching lanes because drivers in Vancouver seem to inherently know that if you drive in someone’s blind spot there is a good chance you are going to get hit.  This is not the case in Calgary. With their cruise control set on 40, Calgary drivers will sit comfortably in your blind spot and lull you to sleep. If you don’t check before you switch lanes then the odds are pretty good you are going to hit someone.

Cars in Calgary drive just fast enough that to pass them you feel like a dick, but they drive too slow to just pull in casually behind them because the car behind them is also in 50 km cruise control  and maintaining enough speed that you have to cut them off to switch lanes.  There is no easy way to get around it, so I just cut people off and they can look to my BC license plate for an explanation.

The one section in town that seems to defy the cruise control standard is the Deerfoot Trail. Those that know me, know I drive relatively fast.  I’m sure some co-workers and friends have left stains on the seat and in their pants while riding shotgun in my car over the years, but here in Calgary the Deerfoot sets a new standard for speed.  Not only are you going to get passed if you aren’t driving at least 120, but old ladies are going to give you the finger or shake their head at you as they blow by you like you are standing still.

Nose rings.  If you have one or had one in the 90’s and want to bring it back then you should move to Calgary. Apparently they are still popular here. I have never seen so many in my life. Across all age ranges all genders. Alberta is definitely a nose ring friendly Province.

Smoking women.  Apparently if you are a good looking woman, smoking is required in Calgary? I can’t officially confirm this, but I think they may teach a course on smoking to girls in elementary school?

By far the most common question I have received since I moved here:  Why would you move from Vancouver to Calgary?

Before I answer, I will say that there are advantages to living in both cities.  You definitely can’t compare the 2, but here are some great things about living in Calgary:

1) Affordable Housing. You can actually buy a home for $400,000 and live within 15 minutes of downtown. Not a 600 sq. ft. box. A real home with a backyard and more than one bedroom.

2) Non Existent Traffic. Even though you have the extreme driver types:  Cruise Control Drivers & Deerfoot Trail Drivers, you can still get to work within about 20 minutes from anywhere in the city. The same drive in Vancouver that took me 30 minutes, now takes about 10.

3) The Weather. Calgary weather is extremely misconstrued by the people of Vancouver. Yes it does get to minus 20 and maybe minus 30, but it doesnt stay that way for weeks or days at a time. Not to mention the fact that minus 10 here in Calgary is comparable to O degrees in Vancouver.  The sky is always blue and sunny. I will take it over the grey rainy days in Vancouver when it gets dark at 4 pm.

4) The People. Simply put, Calgary is a big city with the feel and people of a small town.  People here are cheerful and go out of their way to be nice.

5) Free Parking. Can you imagine not having to pay to park in downtown Vancouver or at places like Stanley Park?  In downtown Calgary you don’t usually have to pay  because  there is plenty of free parking and at places like the zoo, parking is free as well.

Time to go, please stay tuned… I am off to get my nose pierced and perhaps my ball sack

When Co-Workers Bring Their Bitches To Work

Before I get into my rant, thanks to the fantastic @Darling_Lil_Red and @leahblonde for providing me with the required ass kick to get me writing again.

I have a couple of co-workers that bring their dogs to work and I love the opportunity to be around pets in an environment where my allergies don’t seem to kick in.  Having animals around makes for a cool, unpredictable work environment and you never know when one of the little beasts will leave a special surprise in your office. In terms of pet allergies, I seem to be okay with small dogs. Cats not so much.  Finding a cure for cat allergies would have greatly expanded my dating options.  Me asking “do you have cats” wasn’t a pick up line.  It was a matter of me wanting to know if I would be able to breathe around you when you took me home.  For anyone I dated who had cats, my occasional need to request mouth to mouth was legitimate!

Not sure if anyone else feels this way, but I am starting to get sick of the number of people who call themselves Social Media experts.  What makes you an expert? A tangible form of qualification needs to be developed or someone should come up with a ranking system.  My mom uses Facebook so can she be considered a Social Media Expert. If not an expert maybe just a guru?

If you happen to move to another Province be aware that the Blackberry cannot support 2 incoming phone numbers like other phones can.  When I moved my original plan was to keep my BC number coming into my phone, while adding an Alberta number to the same phone. After several hours spent on the phone with customer service (I use this term lightly), Rogers let me know that the Blackberry does not support 2 numbers. Thanks for wasting my time. Not to mention releasing my BC number which I had used for 5 years into the phone queue from where it shall never return.

For those who missed my griping on Facebook, I lost a box of shoes during the move from Vancouver to Calgary.  Based on commentary from co-workers and the janitor in my gym apparently a straight guy can’t possibly have 16 pairs of shoes? Thankfully my insurance adjuster is someone that can understand my flair for nice running/basketball shoes.  *not that there is anything wrong with that* At least I don’t have a red wallet right? Needless to say, I didn’t take insurance from the moving company because I was covered under house insurance. In retrospect the $200 moving company deductible is looking a lot nicer than the $1000 housing claim deductible. Somewhere out there my moving truck driver is wearing my fantastic pink and green Nike’s. *sigh* I got my first speeding ticket in 3 years last week.

For Vancouver readers, here is how anal Calgary traffic cops are. I got a ticket for going 67 in a 60 zone while they were waiting at the bottom of a hill. How messed up is that?  Further, they announced a list of 44 intersections that have installed new speed on green cameras. No longer do they have to randomly catch you, you just get a ticket in the mail. We aren’t talking about a $50 ticket either. Fines can be up to $351. Gotta make up for the Alberta deficit, one ticket at a time?

Last but not least, those of you the follow me on Facebook know that I had a deodorant eating incident last week. How you ask? I was lying on the couch eating popcorn and when I got up I saw what appeared to be a stray kernel on the couch. Without thinking I popped it in my mouth and proceeded to chew it up and swallow. The taste threw me off immediately, followed by some dryness of my tongue (I couldn’t make this stuff up).  I felt a little better after my cousin emailed to tell me the story of her friend who was eating hamburger helper on the couch and accidentally popped a piece of poop off the couch into her mouth (a surprise left behind by her toy puppy). Lovely story!

Have a great rest of the week and until then be wary of bitches at work and what you put in your mouth.

If I had $100,000 – Part 2

I originally posted “If I had 100,00 – Part 1″ back in October after one of my friends sold his condo and had a large amount of disposable income available.

Time to check back on the stocks I suggested and where things would sit if he had invested in each of them.

• Silver Standard Resources Inc. – October 28th – $7.79: as of close yesterday: $15.85
• Finning International - October 28th – $13.30: as of close yesterday: $10.82
• Silver Wheaton Corp. – October 28th – $3.64: as of close yesterday: $7.60
• Nortel Networks Corporation – October 28th – $1.27: as of close yesterday: $.10
• First Quantum Minerals – October 28th – $22.17: as of close yesterday: $34.26
• NovaGold Resources Inc. -  October 28th – $3.00: as of close yesterday: $3.11
• GoldSource Mines Inc. – October 28th – $.95: as of close yesterday: $1.94
• Suncor Energy Inc. – October 28th – $25.30: as of close yesterday: $30.66
• Petro-Canada – October 28th – $26.18: as of close yesterday: $27.79
• Research In Motion Limited – October 28th – $59.83: as of close yesterday: $51.51

Besides updating the stock situation, my offer to the gold diggers in Part 1 went unanswered and sadly it’s no longer an available option.

Look forward to checking back in on these in another 3 months.

Happy investing, if you still have any money left?

Snow & Umbrellas Don’t Mix

Some random thoughts for a snowy Wednesday:

Should I use an umbrella when it snows?

As you go through life, it’s important to have choices. No one likes to be backed into a corner without options.  If you live in Vancouver and it snows, please be aware that you do have choices: wear a hat, don’t wear a hat, don’t go out – park your rear on the couch and eat bon bons. Let me be clear: Under no circumstances should the use of an umbrella in the snow be an option.   Yes I understand that you might get wet and cold, but if you use an umbrella to avoid the snow let me be the first to tell you that the rest of the world is mocking you. If you are afraid to mess up your hair, don’t go out. (I shamelessly admit that this applies to me, so I will sit on the couch and eat bon bons). If you are afraid to get wet then wear a hat, hairnet or even your dad’s toupe. Moral of the story is that you do have choices for walking around and enjoying a snowy day in Vancouver, however an umbrella shouldnt be one of them. 

PS – If you don’t believe me about the part where I mentioned that people are laughing at you behind your back when you use an umbrella in the snow, ask someone who came to Vancouver from somewhere that actually gets snow on a regular basis. Should make for an interesting discussion.

Creative Ideas for the Express Check Out Line in the Grocery Store (before reading this I should mention that I will be writing a longer, more detailed blog with some additional ideas including a wheel-of-fortune option so please stay tuned….)

I must give credit for this topic to my friend Simon who recently asked ”shouldn’t the express line-ups in grocery stores technically be faster than the regular lines?” I agree with Simon and so  I took the idea and came up with a quick idea to ensure that the express line is always faster.

A) If you get caught having more than the alloted maximum number of items you should have to pay for the groceries of the person behind you. You might only have to pay for a dozen eggs, but the options for which you might have to pay are endless. Can you imagine the swinging single having to pay for pampers and formula? How about a lesbian/vegan having to by razor blades, shaving cream, a pack of hotdogs and some steaks?  The odds insist you might get off easy, but I would be willing to bet that making you pay for someone else’s tampons would make you think twice about sneaking in line when you are over the limit.

Selling or Renting? Include Photos!!!

With the big move coming up I have recently spent a lot of time on rental sites (such as: www.rentfaster.ca) and I wonder if people really expect potential renters to call them if they don’t post photos? Really? I would be curious to know if anyone has put up an ad without photos and received calls? Everyone and their mom has the ability to take photos. Use your cell phone for god’s sake.  If someone can post shots of Britney’s vagine, then you should be able to post some photos and give me some idea of whether I should bother calling you about your overpriced rental.

Have a fantastic day in the snow, leave the umbrella at home.

Changes for a routine lover…

I am sorry to disappoint those who clicked on the blog expecting this to be a discussion regarding sexual experimentation.

I will pause and you can close the window now…

4, 3, 2, 1

OK. For those of you that stayed. This is a quick rant about my daily routine during the week and how much I love it.

I am up at the same time, shower at the same time, get to work at the same time, eat at the same time, get coffeee at the same time leave work at the same time, workout at the same time, etc.

I could go on, but I think you get the picture.  Yes I realize I may be a little sick and twisted for enjoying my routine, but I can think of a whole lot worse and I’m sure you can too.

I recently accepted a position in our Calgary office and I am terrified. Maybe I should issue a news release?

Not because I am leaving the only office and chair I have known for the last 9 years, not because I have to start from scratch in a new marketplace, but because I might have to wake up a little earlier, buy my coffee from a different place, and work out in a different gym.

My biggest fear of having to switch cities is having to work with new people and new places. I am allowed to be a little insecure right?

I am a glass half full type of guy and so I will look at the positive. Maybe I will like the new changes, maybe I won’t. Regardless the sooner I can get back into the cocoon I call my routine I will be a whole lot happier.

This is truly an excuse to let all the people that I have had the opportunity to meet while working at Marketwire know that I appreciate you and everything that you have done for me.  Over the next month I will be speaking with most of your directly, but I wanted to get this out in the open now rather than later.

Look forward to chatting with you soon.

No early retirement

I must admit that after my last post and the readership it received I felt a little bit of pressure over the last couple of days to find something exciting to write about.

Blogging has been a great experience thus far and I have enjoyed writing and putting my thoughts out into the blogosphere for mass digestion, but despite good readership numbers I have been a little bit disappointed by the feedback.

For instance, my last blog asked the question when did Halloween become Whore-a-ween? No one really seemed to answer the question for me. I had the privilege of a mystery reader posting my blog on a popular social media bookmarking site (www.reddit.com) where the only commentary was that I was too much of a hard ass and that I should sit back and enjoy the scenery. 

If you read the blog… (and for anyone that knows me personally) I clearly state that I am a heterosexual male and I have no complaints about women taking advantage of Halloween to show off their “assets”, BUT the point of me writing the blog was to get some thoughts on an answer to the question: When did dressing up for Halloween change over from the original non scandalous costume ideas to a night of “flash your goods to the world”

Despite good readership numbers and a fair number of comments on here, reddit.com and facebook, the question still remains disappointingly unanswered.

Before I end this post I want to pass along my favorite costume from this year’s Halloween.  I searched high and low, scanned many pictures for results and the winner had to be the Borat swimsuit.

Who knew it could be worn by both men and ladies? 

This picture speaks for itself

With that, I plan to leave Halloween alone until next year, but in the meantime if you want to fill me in on when the mindset regarding costumes changed or anything else please feel free to leave a comment.

When Halloween Became Whore-a-ween

As I wandered around Kitsilano Fitness World last night and surveyed the various costumes worn by staff, it made me wonder when exactly Halloween became the ultimate free pass for women to unleash body parts better left to the imagination

As a liberal thinking, heterosexual male I am hardly complaining about how men and especially women want to dress on Halloween, but I am really curious about when and why Halloween switched from a night where we would dress up as ghosts and goblins to a night where women are consistently trying to out skank each other.

Am I the only person who wonders what the motivation is behind some of today’s costumes? Do women really pretend they don’t know their boobs are falling out or their beef curtains might be the reason a pack of slobbering dogs follows them down the street? Is this predominantly a single woman behaviour or do married women also engage in the annual Halloween skank-a-thon.

At the present pace, someday will constumes merely consist of full frontal nudity with body paint, or just a sock with a face over your privates?

Other thoughts for Friday:

• If I am going to a party on November 1st do I need to dress up? Halloween is over. Have a Happy November 1st party, but don’t harass me for not showing up in body paint with a sock over my weasel.
•  Wondering if any straight guys went to the Madonna concert last night (without their wives). Whoever  you are, feel free to email me and let me know if you openly vogued? Did you secretly wear a cone shaped bra under your t-shirt?
• Is it just me or does Russ Lacate (weather reporter at News1130) sound exactly like Chris on the family guy? For perspective, click here to hear Russ deliver the weather and here is a clip of Chris. 
• I am a huge NFL fan, but I find it ridiculously ignorant that the NFL is able get away with pretending that 99% of the players in the league aren’t on some sort of performance enhancing drugs? I would pay a substantial amount of money to watch a reality series whereby an outside drug testing company randomly showed up at players houses, night clubs or even their baby mommas house to administer tests to players. Who do I call to make this happen? Is Michael Moore looking for new documentary idea?

Have a Happy Halloween and enjoy the candy……

One Floor Elevator Takers

If you are a one floor elevator taker then let me start off by expressing my extreme annoyance for you and your kind.

No I am not speaking to the pregnant women, the cleaning staff who have carts, the couriers who have dollies, men who have just had a vasectomy or oldies who have walked up thousands of steps prior to elevators being invented, etc.

I am talking to the reasonably fit guys and gals who have the audacity to take the elevator up and even worse, down one floor to get to where they need to go.

When faced with this situation I have always wanted to call people on it, but I was recently beaten to the punch by a plucky 70+ silver haired man who was in the elevator with me and another fellow who was unlucky enough to push floor 2 (we were at the lobby level at the time).

The old man looked at me, then slowly looked at the guy and said” What the hell is wrong with you, that you need to take the elevator up one floor”. I stood off to one-side while trying not to empty my bladder laughing as I watch the young man stumble while trying to come up with a reasonable explanation. Not that one exists, but he tried.

As the doors closed I turned to the man and thanked him and in that single moment years of frustration for one floor elevator takers exited my body.

Admittedly, I still get pissed off at the Cadillac Fairview cleaning staff (the ones without cleaning supply carts) who take the elevator up one floor on a daily basis and the confused, passive visitors to the The Philippine Consulate General office but that is for another post.

Until then enjoy your elevator rides….

If I had $100,000 – Part 1